I’m really trying!Β 

November 2017

“Just as a mother protects with her life Her child, her only child, So, with boundless hearts May we cherish all living beings, Radiating kindness throughout the world”   The Buddha 

I feel anger towards N, still. Angry that he doesn’t care about his daughter, yet bangs on about what a doting father his is to his thai kids. Kids that he says are being constantly beaten and abused yet he won’t do anything about. Not exactly father of the year material. 

But what I’m most angry about is that he still lies. After all of the destruction he has caused for his first family, his second family, and now Alannah, his 3rd family, he still thinks it’s an easier life if he lies. And it’s almost constant. 

One of his older kids told me that the 3 of them live by a 70/30 ratio when it comes to their Dad. They know that 70% of what comes out of his mouth is a lie, but he is their father after all so they cling to the 30% truth in the hope that he will one day start being a better Dad. Children shouldn’t be thinking this of their Dad, he should never have made them feel this way, he should have worked harder to gain their respect. I feel very much for them. Teenage years are hard enough as it is without having this to contend with. 

I have been practising Mindfulness and meditation. It’s an enlightening experience. I’ve learnt to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings for what they are, and accept them, letting them come and letting them go again. Now, whenever I get a feeling of anger after another lie from N, I sit down and meditate, having an interest in what I’m feeling, then letting it go, with kindness. It’s been very difficult to direct kindness towards him when he is intent on hurting people, so I focus on the fact that if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have my amazing daughter. And I truly am thankful to him for that. 

Although I would also be thankful if he ceased to exist. 

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Should I give up on him?

October 2017

In the past 3 months since I last posted, N has seen his daughter twice. Too busy. Although he made time to fly to Thailand and stay a month while his ex had her baby. 

Luckily for her, the baby came out white, so she can carry on claiming it’s his baby. He knows there is no chance it can be his, as it was born in August at full term, meaning he would have had to ship his sperm over by post 2 months before he visited her. The funny thing is, all involved know that he was in my bed at the time she was getting pregnant πŸ€” Oh well. He’s treading on thin ice by going on the birth certificate to enable it to have a British passport by false representation. I’ll leave that one up to Karma to sort out. 

Baby A is 5 weeks off being a year old! Where has that time gone?! She’s clever, funny, beautiful, strong, and so so loved. Crawling everywhere, into everything, trying to walk. 

Her first word was ‘Hiya’ quickly followed by ‘Dada’ so I’ve now changed my name to Dada πŸ˜‚ She has no idea what a Dada is. It bothered me slightly at first but then I just thought, well I am Mummy and Daddy so she can call me either πŸ™‚ 

I’ve enrolled on a college course to start in February part time, studying Counselling Skills. To help myself and others. It will take me 5 years to get the higher qualification, but I will have a placement for the last year so can practise under supervision. N has told me not to bother as I could never be a counsellor with the way I speak to him. I dont speak to him as a client, i speak to him as somebody who lied to me for 2 years and cheated on me for 2 years. Who keeps letting us down again and again. Who continues to lie. I dont owe him any respect. 

My Mindfulness therapy starts next week. I’m looking forward to it. I just want to find a way of clearing my mind from all of the negative thoughts about him. I wake up every day hoping he’s dead. And I know that makes me a bad person, but that’s how I feel, and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. 

Disgust

July 2017
He hasn’t seen his beautiful daughter for 8 weeks now. Always “busy”. Anyone would think the guy had a job! Whenever I question why he hasn’t seen her, I get the usual response. It’s my fault. He is a vulnerable adult blah blah. He’s fine to travel the world, fine to take up hobbies, it’s just the important stuff like seeing his child or providing for his child that he seems to have a problem with. 

Every time I hear his name, I feel bitter disgust. Disgust at a ‘man’ who so easily lies and cheats his way through life. A friend pointed out that they’d recently seen a story about him. Claiming that he was homeless before the house in Cardiff took him in. No mention of the pregnant girlfriend paying his rent while he sent his housing benefit money to Thailand! 

He has now said he is stopping baby’s maintenance payments. He was only paying Β£60 a month to begin with. But apparently he can’t face the walk to his sons school so has to spend Β£11 a day on taxis! So laziness takes priority over providing for his kids. As usual. He didn’t pay anything for the first 4 kids he made so I don’t know why I expected anything. 

His ex is still telling people that her baby is his, trying to play happy families. That’s the only thing I can smile and laugh about in this whole situation. He cheated on her, she cheated on him, neither of them deserve anyone better than who they’re stuck with now. He has to pay for some other guys baby because he’s scared of her. He wasn’t that scared that he couldn’t fuck her though. Although now he has to live with knowing he fucked her straight after some other guy πŸ˜‚ 

Baby A is trying her best to crawl now πŸ™‚ She’s an amazing little girl. Everybody comments on how happy she is all the time, even strangers in shops come over and say how happy she Looks! Although she’s decided this week that she doesn’t like bedtime, which is exhausting me! She’ll sleep for 11 hours once she’s down, she just doesn’t want to go! Life is too interesting to sleep! 

June 2017

He’s back…..

So N is back from Thailand with his son D, and he wanted to see Baby A. I managed to drive to the supermarket next door to his block of flats while having a panic attack on route. She slept. I phoned him and told me to meet me outside with a cup of tea. I needed to calm down and breathe before she woke up and saw Mummy. 

He spouted out some bull about some job, as usual. I keep hoping that this time he’s telling the truth, but he’s like the boy who keeps crying wolf, always saying he’s going to work, but it’s been too many ‘lost’ jobs that people just don’t bother listening to it anymore. 

Baby A and her big Brother D absolutely loved each other! It was amazing to see such an instant bond between two kids who had no idea what was going on, so innocent, so loving. 

He told me (again) that he hates his ex in Thailand for the way she beats and abuses the kids, yet he had the opportunity to bring the both of them over to the UK but he only bought the one. He says he has to play happy family and pretend to love her while she has another man’s baby, until he can get his daughter H over here with D. I still don’t understand why he is so scared of that woman. She must be very nasty and cruel to N and the kids. It hurts me knowing she hurts them. 

Wrong thoughts

May 2017

Since my Uncle passed away, my family and myself have been helping each other through the grieving process, giving each other lots of support when needed. I know that nothing can bring him back, and that the only thing that will make it easier is time. 

Is it wrong that I think it would be easier if N was dead? I feel horrible just thinking that. I don’t actually want him to die! But it would be kinder to explain to baby A that her Dad had passed away when she was young, rather than explain that he actually lives around the corner but doesn’t want to see her or hear off her. The grief would ease in time and I could tell her all about the happy memories. But I cannot grieve for him when he is still there, showing off his other kids online, and hasn’t even told his friends that he has another child. He still fills me with disgust every time I hear his name being spoken. 

I have messaged his older kids to reach out and let them know that I’d love for them to see A, so I have my fingers crossed that we can arrange something soon. I don’t know why N is so against them knowing their baby sister. 

I have had a referral letter to the mental health unit in the local hospital, for an assessment. Part of me doesn’t want to go, I don’t want to have a ‘label’ but part of me needs to do it so I can start my journey back to peace and happiness. 

Well it’s a bank holiday today, so I have a day of family packed fun planned for baby A, when she wakes up… she’s having a lazy morning πŸ™‚ xx 

It still hurts.

Still April 2017

The support around me is amazingly beautiful, I feel so much love towards baby A and myself, it makes me cry, I know they’re tears of greatfulness and happiness. But still I cry. 

I cry because my beautiful baby daughter is being rejected by her father, the person who is supposed to love and protect her. 

But he knows he can pick and choose his kids as and when he pleases. His 3 eldest, who he deserted at a young age and didn’t contact for almost 10 years, they are now teenagers, and all teenagers are inquisitive, wanting to know who their father is, so they’re now getting to know him, the fun side, now he doesn’t have to look after them or pay towards them. I know that when they’re grown up they will come to realise exactly what he did to them and their Mum, and I have the utmost respect for her for enabling them to do this in their own time, and being there for them. But I don’t know how I’m going to do it when the time comes that A asks me who and where her father is. 

His younger kids in Thailand, their Mother still needs him, until she finds a husband. So luckily they will always have a father no matter how absent, he knows he always has to pay for them. I never understood why when he used to tell me that she would threaten to kill the kids unless he sent her money, but now I’ve spoken to her a few times, I know that she would never hurt her kids, she just desperately needs money and having kids was the best way to get it. It’s heart breaking knowing those kids have two parents who don’t want them, and who have absolutely no idea how to love a child. 

One of his oldest sons has been talking around the local area about his father, saying he has told the 3 of them that they’re not to see baby A. Or their Gran who is in a nursing home. I really have no idea why he would say that, why he wants to try to separate his family like that. His kids luckily, obviously have no respect for him if they’re willing to go around telling everyone about the bad things he says like that. Another example of his epic parenting skills that A is fortunate enough to be avoiding. 

So, baby A and myself are moving house soon, bigger bedrooms and a lovely garden for her to enjoy during the summer. A fresh start, somewhere where I won’t have memories of him. 

Xx 

A New Start

April 2017

I feel like the fog is lifting. I have kept myself busy with my studies and my beautiful daughter, getting out for lots of fresh air and fun.

I have spoken to my GP about the panic attacks, and she diagnosed me with PTSD… well isn’t that ironic!

I have been referred to a counsellor straight away.

I refused any prescriptions as I am in no way depressed, I just got a little overwhelmed with everything, from trying to look after N, to him leaving me late in my pregnancy, to Uncle Steve passing away so suddenly, to finding out the truth about N cheating on me all along. My mind could not process all of these traumatic events at once when I had childbirth to deal with.

So I feel much better knowing that I’m not going to go insane from it all, that one day soon I will come to accept all that he has put me through, and I will forgive him, for my own peace of mind and for my daughter.

I don’t want to live with any anger inside me. I cannot hate him, he has given me the most precious gift ever in my baby girl.

I never thought I wanted to be a Mum, but now I have her in my life, I cannot imagine a time without her. The love is overwhelming.

I feel sad that N cannot ever know or feel what I feel. He has told me that he is incapable of loving anybody, his children included.

But I will always give him the chance to experience it, to get to know his beautiful baby girl. Maybe, love can help him. I will never stop them seeing each other, when she is old enough, she will make up her own mind about him, judging on what she knows from her own experiences with him. But she won’t be able to make her mind up if she doesn’t know him while she is growing up.

I have finally finished my Diploma in PTSD Awareness, with a Distinction Grade. Well, I learned a lot from N I guess. I hope that I can put my newly learned counselling skills to good use, and stop someone going as far down as N did, and help the families and loved ones of those going through it, because they very often get forgotten about and do not receive the support they need so much.

The Devastation

March 2017

The past two years have been based on a lie. I am shocked to the core, deeply hurt, and struggling to breathe through the pain of what he has done.

All these visits to Thailand, including the one I funded for him, he has not been staying in a hotel near the kids as he told me. He has been in a loving intimate relationship with the Mother of his two children over there.

I found out in one of the most shocking and painful ways.

A phone call from somebody close to him one lunchtime, to inform me that his Girlfriend was pregnant. The confusion hit me first, What Girlfriend?!

Then the panic attack came hard and fast, I went dizzy, my ears were ringing and I couldn’t see. I managed to get A safely into her pram and rush to the disabled toilets with her where I was violently sick.

I went for a long walk to try to clear my head. Surely this couldn’t be true?

I spoke with him later that night, when he told me that no, the baby was not his. Although he did admit to sleeping with her on the day before he left Thailand, as she was being pushy for sex and he couldn’t say no! But he says that with the dates of the pregnancy that there is no way the baby can be his as he was still in the UK when it was conceived.

I received a message of his girlfriend, asking me if A was his baby, and how long we had been together. I told her the truth, that we had been together for a year before I got pregnant, up until I was 8 months pregnant, when we were no longer together but still maintained a good friendship. She was understandably as shocked as I was to find out he had been cheating on both of us for the past two years.

I feel very sorry for the hurt and pain that she is going through, if I had known he was in a relationship with her, I never would have gone near him in the first place, let alone lived with him. He has fooled us both in the most painful way imaginable.

She has told me that she will forgive him and take him back as she needs a father for her children, which I totally understand, as she receives no financial help in Thailand, so she will need to rely on him to pay for not only his two children, but also her other two and herself as she will be unable to work with 4 children to look after. My heart goes out to her, having to live with knowing what he has done but not being able to walk away.

A is thriving, she is extremely happy and healthy, and smiles all the time! She makes me proud every single day.

He has gone from saying he wants a relationship with A, to saying he wants nothing to do with her. I know that she doesn’t need him, if she met him now she wouldn’t have a clue who he was, but I feel so sad that she will never get the chance to know who her Daddy is. I have tried to arrange for him to see her many times, but he is in meetings from 8am to 8pm 6 days a week and cannot find the time to see her. I send him photo’s of her to let him know how well she is growing and changing, but he has stopped responding to the photos now.

The last I heard off him was that he is getting a job so that he could keep his girlfriend happy and take his two kids off her so they could live with him and then he can forget about her.

I cannot believe anything he says anymore, there are too many lies.

I have to move forward and get closure on the matter without ever getting the truth from him. The panic attacks are still frequent since I found out. I seem fine during the day, but as soon as I get into bed my mind goes into overdrive and I get little flashbacks. How could I not have known that he was cheating on me for the best part of two years? I feel angry with myself for letting it happen. And then I feel so angry for what he is doing to A, totally ignoring the fact that she exists, but happy to bring up his girlfriends unborn baby which he denies is his. I don’t think I’ll ever get the truth of whether or not he is the father of that child, and I don’t know why that bothers me. Maybe it’s just a tiny piece of a big puzzle that my head is trying to fit together. I manage to get a few hours sleep and usually wake up with the a cloud of depression over me and spend a few hours crying in bed from 4am onwards.

I have booked a doctors appointment to see whether I can get some sort of counselling or therapy to help me with these feelings. I don’t want to live my life feeling angry towards the man who gave me the most perfect beautiful little gift in the world. I want to be able to silently forgive him and then move on and forget about him.

Welcome to the World Little Girl!

December 2016

Our gorgeous baby girl was born November 15th. He did not come to the hospital, telling me he would see me as soon as I got home. But that didn’t happen. His excuse was that he couldn’t find a babysitter. Although his sister had offered to look after D, or he could have bought him along to meet his baby sister. He came to my house the next day, but only stayed for 20 minutes, saying he had things to do. That broke my heart a little, it was although he felt nothing towards his daughter.

Later that evening, I received the devastating news that my much-loved Uncle had passed away. I couldn’t cry. I had my amazing little one-day-old baby in my arms and I just stared at her and promised to stay strong for her. There were a lot of mixed emotions for the next few days, both from myself and my family. God had given us this beautiful little angel, but yet taken away a core member of our tight family, in such a cruel and heart-breaking way. I just wanted him to be by my side, no words were needed, I just needed someone to sit next to me. My Mum came to stay with me for a few nights which was a massive help, but it wasn’t the same as having A’s Dad there to share the moments with.

The next day, he told me he was going back to Thailand for a holiday with D. I agree that D needs to go back to Thailand, as he is suffering in this country, he will not go to school and He isn’t bothered about that because he doesn’t like to see him cry so it’s easier to just keep him off school. So he spends his days in the flat with hid Dad, watching dvd’s and playing trains. He has no friends to play with as Dad is not well enough to take him to any play centres or groups, so he is alone.

Being a Mummy is absolutely amazing! A lights up my life in a way I never thought possible, she is my little angel. I thought it would be hard being a single parent, but it’s not. I love every single minute that I spend with my beautiful baby girl. The evenings are lonely when she goes to sleep, He is in Thailand now, he messages every day, mostly a drunken ramble, but at least he’s thinking about us. He says he’ll be back soon and is looking forward to seeing us. It’s been 3 weeks now, A is over a month old and he’s only seen her twice for very short periods of time. I want her to know her Dad and have a bond with him.

He is still getting the one hour of counselling a week when he can, and I pray that it is doing him some good being able to talk about his troubles. He is due to go for assessment at Audley Court when he returns from Thailand, I really hope they can get him on a good treatment programme. I wish he could get away from the pain of PTSD and start enjoying his life once again. I miss the happy confident cheeky man that I fell in love with. I know that man can and will return, once he learns how to manage his demons. All of his kids need their Daddy to be happy and healthy. I wish there was something I could do.

How did we get so Lost?

October 2016

So here we are 4 months later, so much has happened, yet at the same time it feels as though we have got nowhere.

He has had fantastic financial advice from the support team who re-homed him, he is now in the process of sorting out some benefits to enable him to live independently.

He has started some counselling therapy, which is great news, but nowhere near enough. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be anywhere near enough funding or understanding from any of the charities involved, one hour a week is a great start, but ideally needs to be a lot more frequent, I just wish we could afford to pay for private treatment that he so urgently needs.

He is still so scared of everything, scared of trust, love, his own emotions, and other people. And he still relies on alcohol to help with these feelings, that he cannot admit to.

I feel like we have lost each other lately, that we don’t understand each others needs. The only time he opens up to me is late at night when he’s had a good few drinks, by which time his messages don’t make a lot of sense, he contradicts himself a lot as though he is unsure of what he is saying, not knowing whether to even believe his own words.

His moods seem to be directly linked to money. When he has a bit, he is in a lighter mood, but when it runs out, the depression and anger resurface again. Maybe it’s a pride thing. I understand this as I get severely anxious and upset over money worries myself, but luckily, I have learnt to manage it well.

He will not let me love him, constantly pushing me away, dismissing any offers of comfort, help or love. This causes a range of emotions in me, I cry almost daily, knowing he will never love me in the way I love him. I just pray that he has love for our daughter when she is born, that he doesn’t push her away and deny her existence like he does with me. I’m grown up enough to know that I will eventually get over it, but she is just an innocent little baby in all of this, who I hope and pray can have a loving relationship with her Daddy.

Now he has his little boy D living with him, he has a bit more to focus on, and I can see that he is going to be a great Dad, he is constantly learning through D, and wishes the best for his kids, although sometimes he lacks logic and direction, and doesn’t understand that children’s needs are a lot different to adults. Seeing him being a good Dad gives me an overwhelming love for him.

He says he wants to go and get D’s sister H from Thailand to live with them also, which I think will benefit both kids being together and having a loving family and community around them.

So, back to my situation… 8 months pregnant, single, living alone with nobody to catch the spiders or take the bins out for me! But, I’m managing. Physically anyway. Emotionally, I’m broken.

I am trying to stay strong for my little girl, but being treated the way he treats me after a drink has worn me down too much now. He tells me that me and my family, friends, that we’re β€œpond life” that we will never achieve anything in this life because we live in a lovely quiet little village. A village that he has spent a lot of time in over his life! Yes, he may have travelled and sown his oats in far away lands, but that life isn’t for everyone. I like the stability I get from knowing my neighbours, knowing I can call on someone at the drop of a hat if needed.

He has decided to move to Cardiff, to a new development down the docks. It certainly seems like the easiest option for him, the charity helping him has arranged everything, he doesn’t need to make any calls to sort out his housing benefits or deposit help, he doesn’t need to buy any furniture, everything is done for him. Which is what the charity do, help him to be able to live independently. But surely, teaching him to figure these things out for himself like a grown up would have been a lot more beneficial for teaching independence?

I understand that he cannot live in the village anymore, around the Pond Life scum like myself, because he has an enemy he cannot face. I look forward to visiting when I take Baba to meet her Dad. None of his other children will be able to just pop over at the drop of a hat anymore, it will take at least two train journeys, so I feel that they maybe missing out on time with their Dad when they have only just got him back in their lives.

So yes, I feel like we are lost. Like we are fighting a losing battle with the demons in his head, with alcohol, with money. But most of all, I am angry. So angry, with a system that has let him down so badly. He has received next to no help or counselling for his PTSD, which is the whole point of him getting help. Yes, I’m grateful for the financial support he has been given, but what is money when you don’t have your own mind anymore? I don’t see how anything has changed in the last few months other than where he sleeps, and this breaks my heart knowing how badly he needs help, and there is nobody to give it to him unless we pay a lot of money for private therapy.

Luckily, he and his friend B, are trying to raise awareness of this, trying to raise funds, which can hopefully go towards offering therapy to those in need once they are off the street.

I will never stop loving him, although some days when I can’t breathe through the tears and heartache, I wish that love had an off switch. He has given me a gift that I never even knew I wanted, this little girl about to make her appearance into the world. A world where I pray that I can show her how loved she is, that she has nothing to fear. And hopefully one day, he will realise how loved he is too.

He once told me that he could only talk to his support worker, as she understood better than me what he was going through. But she is a housing advisor, not a therapist. So I took it on board when he told me to do some research into PTSD.

I am currently studying a Diploma in Mental Health alongside a Diploma in PTSD Awareness, so that I can try to understand PTSD and maybe he will let me help and support him in the future. My aim is to become a Mental Health Support worker, so that I can try to help others going through PTSD, and guide their families and partners through it, as I know all too well the huge impact that mental illness has on the surrounding families.

If I only manage to help one person, then I will be satisfied.