The Devastation

March 2017

The past two years have been based on a lie. I am shocked to the core, deeply hurt, and struggling to breathe through the pain of what he has done.

All these visits to Thailand, including the one I funded for him, he has not been staying in a hotel near the kids as he told me. He has been in a loving intimate relationship with the Mother of his two children over there.

I found out in one of the most shocking and painful ways.

A phone call from somebody close to him one lunchtime, to inform me that his Girlfriend was pregnant. The confusion hit me first, What Girlfriend?!

Then the panic attack came hard and fast, I went dizzy, my ears were ringing and I couldn’t see. I managed to get A safely into her pram and rush to the disabled toilets with her where I was violently sick.

I went for a long walk to try to clear my head. Surely this couldn’t be true?

I spoke with him later that night, when he told me that no, the baby was not his. Although he did admit to sleeping with her on the day before he left Thailand, as she was being pushy for sex and he couldn’t say no! But he says that with the dates of the pregnancy that there is no way the baby can be his as he was still in the UK when it was conceived.

I received a message of his girlfriend, asking me if A was his baby, and how long we had been together. I told her the truth, that we had been together for a year before I got pregnant, up until I was 8 months pregnant, when we were no longer together but still maintained a good friendship. She was understandably as shocked as I was to find out he had been cheating on both of us for the past two years.

I feel very sorry for the hurt and pain that she is going through, if I had known he was in a relationship with her, I never would have gone near him in the first place, let alone lived with him. He has fooled us both in the most painful way imaginable.

She has told me that she will forgive him and take him back as she needs a father for her children, which I totally understand, as she receives no financial help in Thailand, so she will need to rely on him to pay for not only his two children, but also her other two and herself as she will be unable to work with 4 children to look after. My heart goes out to her, having to live with knowing what he has done but not being able to walk away.

A is thriving, she is extremely happy and healthy, and smiles all the time! She makes me proud every single day.

He has gone from saying he wants a relationship with A, to saying he wants nothing to do with her. I know that she doesn’t need him, if she met him now she wouldn’t have a clue who he was, but I feel so sad that she will never get the chance to know who her Daddy is. I have tried to arrange for him to see her many times, but he is in meetings from 8am to 8pm 6 days a week and cannot find the time to see her. I send him photo’s of her to let him know how well she is growing and changing, but he has stopped responding to the photos now.

The last I heard off him was that he is getting a job so that he could keep his girlfriend happy and take his two kids off her so they could live with him and then he can forget about her.

I cannot believe anything he says anymore, there are too many lies.

I have to move forward and get closure on the matter without ever getting the truth from him. The panic attacks are still frequent since I found out. I seem fine during the day, but as soon as I get into bed my mind goes into overdrive and I get little flashbacks. How could I not have known that he was cheating on me for the best part of two years? I feel angry with myself for letting it happen. And then I feel so angry for what he is doing to A, totally ignoring the fact that she exists, but happy to bring up his girlfriends unborn baby which he denies is his. I don’t think I’ll ever get the truth of whether or not he is the father of that child, and I don’t know why that bothers me. Maybe it’s just a tiny piece of a big puzzle that my head is trying to fit together. I manage to get a few hours sleep and usually wake up with the a cloud of depression over me and spend a few hours crying in bed from 4am onwards.

I have booked a doctors appointment to see whether I can get some sort of counselling or therapy to help me with these feelings. I don’t want to live my life feeling angry towards the man who gave me the most perfect beautiful little gift in the world. I want to be able to silently forgive him and then move on and forget about him.

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