It still hurts.

Still April 2017

The support around me is amazingly beautiful, I feel so much love towards baby A and myself, it makes me cry, I know they’re tears of greatfulness and happiness. But still I cry. 

I cry because my beautiful baby daughter is being rejected by her father, the person who is supposed to love and protect her. 

But he knows he can pick and choose his kids as and when he pleases. His 3 eldest, who he deserted at a young age and didn’t contact for almost 10 years, they are now teenagers, and all teenagers are inquisitive, wanting to know who their father is, so they’re now getting to know him, the fun side, now he doesn’t have to look after them or pay towards them. I know that when they’re grown up they will come to realise exactly what he did to them and their Mum, and I have the utmost respect for her for enabling them to do this in their own time, and being there for them. But I don’t know how I’m going to do it when the time comes that A asks me who and where her father is. 

His younger kids in Thailand, their Mother still needs him, until she finds a husband. So luckily they will always have a father no matter how absent, he knows he always has to pay for them. I never understood why when he used to tell me that she would threaten to kill the kids unless he sent her money, but now I’ve spoken to her a few times, I know that she would never hurt her kids, she just desperately needs money and having kids was the best way to get it. It’s heart breaking knowing those kids have two parents who don’t want them, and who have absolutely no idea how to love a child. 

One of his oldest sons has been talking around the local area about his father, saying he has told the 3 of them that they’re not to see baby A. Or their Gran who is in a nursing home. I really have no idea why he would say that, why he wants to try to separate his family like that. His kids luckily, obviously have no respect for him if they’re willing to go around telling everyone about the bad things he says like that. Another example of his epic parenting skills that A is fortunate enough to be avoiding. 

So, baby A and myself are moving house soon, bigger bedrooms and a lovely garden for her to enjoy during the summer. A fresh start, somewhere where I won’t have memories of him. 

Xx 

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A New Start

April 2017

I feel like the fog is lifting. I have kept myself busy with my studies and my beautiful daughter, getting out for lots of fresh air and fun.

I have spoken to my GP about the panic attacks, and she diagnosed me with PTSD… well isn’t that ironic!

I have been referred to a counsellor straight away.

I refused any prescriptions as I am in no way depressed, I just got a little overwhelmed with everything, from trying to look after N, to him leaving me late in my pregnancy, to Uncle Steve passing away so suddenly, to finding out the truth about N cheating on me all along. My mind could not process all of these traumatic events at once when I had childbirth to deal with.

So I feel much better knowing that I’m not going to go insane from it all, that one day soon I will come to accept all that he has put me through, and I will forgive him, for my own peace of mind and for my daughter.

I don’t want to live with any anger inside me. I cannot hate him, he has given me the most precious gift ever in my baby girl.

I never thought I wanted to be a Mum, but now I have her in my life, I cannot imagine a time without her. The love is overwhelming.

I feel sad that N cannot ever know or feel what I feel. He has told me that he is incapable of loving anybody, his children included.

But I will always give him the chance to experience it, to get to know his beautiful baby girl. Maybe, love can help him. I will never stop them seeing each other, when she is old enough, she will make up her own mind about him, judging on what she knows from her own experiences with him. But she won’t be able to make her mind up if she doesn’t know him while she is growing up.

I have finally finished my Diploma in PTSD Awareness, with a Distinction Grade. Well, I learned a lot from N I guess. I hope that I can put my newly learned counselling skills to good use, and stop someone going as far down as N did, and help the families and loved ones of those going through it, because they very often get forgotten about and do not receive the support they need so much.