I feel like the fog is lifting. I have kept myself busy with my studies and my beautiful daughter, getting out for lots of fresh air and fun.
I have spoken to my GP about the panic attacks, and she diagnosed me with PTSD… well isn’t that ironic!
I have been referred to a counsellor straight away.
I refused any prescriptions as I am in no way depressed, I just got a little overwhelmed with everything, from trying to look after N, to him leaving me late in my pregnancy, to Uncle Steve passing away so suddenly, to finding out the truth about N cheating on me all along. My mind could not process all of these traumatic events at once when I had childbirth to deal with.
So I feel much better knowing that I’m not going to go insane from it all, that one day soon I will come to accept all that he has put me through, and I will forgive him, for my own peace of mind and for my daughter.
I don’t want to live with any anger inside me. I cannot hate him, he has given me the most precious gift ever in my baby girl.
I never thought I wanted to be a Mum, but now I have her in my life, I cannot imagine a time without her. The love is overwhelming.
I feel sad that N cannot ever know or feel what I feel. He has told me that he is incapable of loving anybody, his children included.
But I will always give him the chance to experience it, to get to know his beautiful baby girl. Maybe, love can help him. I will never stop them seeing each other, when she is old enough, she will make up her own mind about him, judging on what she knows from her own experiences with him. But she won’t be able to make her mind up if she doesn’t know him while she is growing up.
I have finally finished my Diploma in PTSD Awareness, with a Distinction Grade. Well, I learned a lot from N I guess. I hope that I can put my newly learned counselling skills to good use, and stop someone going as far down as N did, and help the families and loved ones of those going through it, because they very often get forgotten about and do not receive the support they need so much.