It still hurts.

Still April 2017

The support around me is amazingly beautiful, I feel so much love towards baby A and myself, it makes me cry, I know they’re tears of greatfulness and happiness. But still I cry. 

I cry because my beautiful baby daughter is being rejected by her father, the person who is supposed to love and protect her. 

But he knows he can pick and choose his kids as and when he pleases. His 3 eldest, who he deserted at a young age and didn’t contact for almost 10 years, they are now teenagers, and all teenagers are inquisitive, wanting to know who their father is, so they’re now getting to know him, the fun side, now he doesn’t have to look after them or pay towards them. I know that when they’re grown up they will come to realise exactly what he did to them and their Mum, and I have the utmost respect for her for enabling them to do this in their own time, and being there for them. But I don’t know how I’m going to do it when the time comes that A asks me who and where her father is. 

His younger kids in Thailand, their Mother still needs him, until she finds a husband. So luckily they will always have a father no matter how absent, he knows he always has to pay for them. I never understood why when he used to tell me that she would threaten to kill the kids unless he sent her money, but now I’ve spoken to her a few times, I know that she would never hurt her kids, she just desperately needs money and having kids was the best way to get it. It’s heart breaking knowing those kids have two parents who don’t want them, and who have absolutely no idea how to love a child. 

One of his oldest sons has been talking around the local area about his father, saying he has told the 3 of them that they’re not to see baby A. Or their Gran who is in a nursing home. I really have no idea why he would say that, why he wants to try to separate his family like that. His kids luckily, obviously have no respect for him if they’re willing to go around telling everyone about the bad things he says like that. Another example of his epic parenting skills that A is fortunate enough to be avoiding. 

So, baby A and myself are moving house soon, bigger bedrooms and a lovely garden for her to enjoy during the summer. A fresh start, somewhere where I won’t have memories of him. 

Xx 

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