Wrong thoughts

May 2017

Since my Uncle passed away, my family and myself have been helping each other through the grieving process, giving each other lots of support when needed. I know that nothing can bring him back, and that the only thing that will make it easier is time. 

Is it wrong that I think it would be easier if N was dead? I feel horrible just thinking that. I don’t actually want him to die! But it would be kinder to explain to baby A that her Dad had passed away when she was young, rather than explain that he actually lives around the corner but doesn’t want to see her or hear off her. The grief would ease in time and I could tell her all about the happy memories. But I cannot grieve for him when he is still there, showing off his other kids online, and hasn’t even told his friends that he has another child. He still fills me with disgust every time I hear his name being spoken. 

I have messaged his older kids to reach out and let them know that I’d love for them to see A, so I have my fingers crossed that we can arrange something soon. I don’t know why N is so against them knowing their baby sister. 

I have had a referral letter to the mental health unit in the local hospital, for an assessment. Part of me doesn’t want to go, I don’t want to have a ‘label’ but part of me needs to do it so I can start my journey back to peace and happiness. 

Well it’s a bank holiday today, so I have a day of family packed fun planned for baby A, when she wakes up… she’s having a lazy morning 🙂 xx